I'm not even sure where to begin. It's been a while since I've poured out my thoughts and feelings and at this very moment in time I'm filled with so much anxiety over the mere prospects of doing so. My Grandmother is gone. (That sentence was so hard to type.) She passed away December 30th, 2013 at 6:24am. Lung cancer stole her from me and we only had 11 days between diagnosis and death to deal with our reality. She is the first person in my life who was close to me that has died and I have no clue how to deal with it. I'm not a pro at this whole mourning thing, nor do I want to become one. The only thing that I know is that I'm a jumbled emotional mess inside and I have to let it out. But truth be told, for the first time in my life, I'm literally afraid to let my feelings out. I think somewhere inside I feel that if I let it out that I'm going to lose her, even though she's already gone. Or maybe I feel that if I let it out and fall apart that I'll never pull myself back together. Or maybe it's a combination of both.
I will say that in my attempts to begin the healing process, I joined an online lung cancer support community. Nearly a month after my initial signup I was finally ready to post to the forums, only to find that I was not granted permissions to do so. I contacted a site admin to obtain permissions and have yet to hear back. So here I am, opening up to you. Whomever you may be who decides to read this. Please know that I have never felt more vulnerable than I do now, but writing, dancing and fitness are my greatest passions and are currently the things that I avoid the most. Something has got to give, so as much as I want to keep it all inside, I know that it's vital to my survival that I finally open the flood gates. But I have no clue where to begin.
When I wake up in the morning, I feel a sense of sadness and emptiness. I look in the mirror and my eyes are sad. I feel broken inside. I hate that she's gone. I hate that lung cancer took her away more than ten years after she quit smoking and that we had less than 2 weeks with her after her diagnosis. I am thankful that she didn't suffer long at all, but I hate how quickly everything happened. I hate that I can only hear her voice in my head.I remember her hands so clearly. And her laugh. I dream about her sometimes but she never says much, if anything at all. I wish that she would tell me something from the other side, but she doesn't. My mom says that there's nothing for her to say. That I know that she loves me. I'm not sure what it is I want her to say. Maybe, "I'm here and I'm okay. I miss you. I love you. I can see you all of the time." Is she here with me? Can she see me? Can she hear me? Is she in Heaven where she can't be in the house with us? Where do I go from here? What do I do now? I felt so safe when she was alive. Like I always had something to fall back on. Someone who always had my back and now she's gone. My mom is still here but I still feel somewhat alone. My grandmother and I were close. She was my Nana. (pronounced NAH-NAH) Now what? How can I find joy in dance and fitness when I have such a huge hole in my spirit, heart and soul? What's the point? What's the point of really loving someone. They either leave or die. Why love so openly if it's just going to end in heartache? I have such an intense wall/guard around my heart that I'm not even sure I want to lower. The world used to be such a sunshiney place but now there's such a darkness and emptiness that I can't even begin to describe or understand. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear. But I can't. I don't know what to do with myself, but I know that I have to do something. I have to do something.
But what?
