Up til now, I haven't allowed myself to shed tears about us. When I finally cry about a break-up, that's my first real step of accepting it as a reality, and moving past it. Just a few moments ago, I shed my first tears about us. About what we had. What I felt. What I planned for in the future. Everything that I wanted share with you. I'm so incredibly busy because I have a plan, and I'm putting that plan in motion. You have no idea of the life that I am building. That I wanted to share with you. God has been so good to me, and everything is falling into place for me. It just takes patience. So many wonderful things are in store for me. And I wanted you to be by my side through it all. This time next year, God willing, I will be in such a completely different place from right now.
I can't believe that I have to go it alone. I was fine before we got back together. I was comfortable with being single and solo and enjoying the ride. Then you asked me to let you in, and I did. And you were a permanent fixture in all of my dreams. The things that I have in store were not only going to change my life, but change yours as well. We already had the beautiful foundation of a fairytale love affair. We were going to share the fairytale lifestyle as well. Now I sit here crying quietly so that no one hears. The warm tears run down my face as I truly accept the fact that we are no more. That now we're not even friends. We are no longer a part of each other's lives. You are no longer my Wife. You hate me. I can't believe that my Princessa hates me. I remember the joy and just pure love in her eyes when she would look at me. I remember feeling so filled with love and joy just from seeing that look on her face. And to watch her smile and blush, and her eyes get small.... It simply made my heart melt. I loved how hearing her voice sent chills down my spine, and gave me butterflies. And how hearing her tell me that she loved me would make my soul shudder.
I love you from a place that I can't even begin to describe. I love you even beyond the end of time. I close my eyes and picture myself looking into your eyes as I recite my wedding vows. I love you so much, and you don't even see it. You can't even begin to understand. I'm not trying to romanticize my feelings. This is how much I sincerely love you. And you hate me...
You hate me...
We were going to have babies together. And raise them in a rainbow house of our own.
You are my Wife, and now you hate me. And now I have to go back to dreaming alone.
Call me a sucker if you like. I'm in love with a woman that hates me, and now I have to let time heal these wounds too.
I pray that one day...I thank God for all of my blessings, trial and tribulations. I thank God for this pain too. It lets me know that I'm alive, and more importantly, I am not incapable of love.
I loved you somethin true...
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Still in shock...
It's been 12 days since we split... I hate how we left things. I've known you for the last seven years of my life. I can't believe you used the word "HATE" while talking to me. I can't believe you said that you HATE me. It doesn't matter now, but I feel utterly disrespected as a human being. I don't care how mad I would've EVER gotten; how upset you would've EVER made me... I NEVER EVER would've told you that i HATE you. because I don't hate you. I love you, and to a certain extent, I'm sure that I always will. But what is there to say at this point? Is there even anything to say at this point? I wish that you never would've said that. Because I want so badly to call you right now. But how could I possibly bring myself to call you? You are only the second person in my LIFE to ever say that they hate me. I still can't believe that YOU, of all people, said that to me. After everything. Everything, Sam.
How can you hate me, when the only thing that I feel for you is love? We were supposed to get married, and I was so excited to be planning the wedding. Hate? You were the first woman that I ever truly fell in love with. My only best-friend and lover all rolled into one. You actually said that you hate me. Why did you even bother telling me to trust you? I've never lied to you. Never been anything but open and honest, and understanding with you. It still feels surreal. Like it wasn't even you that said it. But I know it was. The woman that I was going to spend forever with, told me that she hates me. I just knew in my soul that that word would NEVER come from you in any sort of malicious manner when talking to me. You blew my mind. You set out to hurt me like never before. You succeeded.
When I told you that I love you like I've never loved anyone else, I meant that. And I still do. I can't believe that you hate me. My Wife hates me. And all I can say is that I love her. From the purest place in my soul, I love her.
You're the only woman to ever break my heart. To make my soul cry.
How can you hate me, when the only thing that I feel for you is love? We were supposed to get married, and I was so excited to be planning the wedding. Hate? You were the first woman that I ever truly fell in love with. My only best-friend and lover all rolled into one. You actually said that you hate me. Why did you even bother telling me to trust you? I've never lied to you. Never been anything but open and honest, and understanding with you. It still feels surreal. Like it wasn't even you that said it. But I know it was. The woman that I was going to spend forever with, told me that she hates me. I just knew in my soul that that word would NEVER come from you in any sort of malicious manner when talking to me. You blew my mind. You set out to hurt me like never before. You succeeded.
When I told you that I love you like I've never loved anyone else, I meant that. And I still do. I can't believe that you hate me. My Wife hates me. And all I can say is that I love her. From the purest place in my soul, I love her.
You're the only woman to ever break my heart. To make my soul cry.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
HATE. what an UGLY word...
Well, it appears that I am once again a member of the single's club. Before I got in this last relationship, I told her that I didn't have the time to dedicate to a relationship the way that I'd really like to. She promised that she could handle it. That she understood that I had a lot going on and that she just wanted to be mine and for me to be hers.
When push came to shove, it proved to be too much for her. It was the source of our arguments, and the end of it all. Apparently, she felt that I never wanted to see her. That she deserved to spend time with me as much as my family, and that I just didn't understand how much she loved me. Then she told me that she would find someone that would give her time and show how much they care. That I wasn't the only one out there. I said "God bless you." I meant it sincerely. She said it back, sarcastically, and then told me that she hated me. And that she never wanted to speak to me again.
It still hurts to say it, and relive it. Hate? All I could say was, "You hate me? Is that how you treat people? Thanks for letting me know how you truly feel." What else could I say? Hate? Hate. That's one word that you can't EVER take back.
I don't even HATE my son's biological father, although many feel that I should. I don't even HATE the man that stole my innocence. I did at one point in my life, but I don't anymore. But I even felt bad for hating him, and had to let go of that.
I've known her for the last seven years of my life, and have loved her nearly as long. Tell me, how could she just flip so quickly? How could she use the word "hate" with ME? I don't hate her. How could I ever hate her? I loved her from the purest place in my soul. I love her still. I will always love her. But I can't possibly bring myself to talk to her. Once you tell me that you hate me, there's nothing more to say.
I have loved HARD in my lifetime. I have loved TRUE and PURE in my lifetime. Never have I EVER loved someone SO much that I could turn around and hate them. That would mean that I never loved them at all.
I have no room in my life for those who hate me. I NEVER thought that she would be a part of that group. C'est la vie.
When push came to shove, it proved to be too much for her. It was the source of our arguments, and the end of it all. Apparently, she felt that I never wanted to see her. That she deserved to spend time with me as much as my family, and that I just didn't understand how much she loved me. Then she told me that she would find someone that would give her time and show how much they care. That I wasn't the only one out there. I said "God bless you." I meant it sincerely. She said it back, sarcastically, and then told me that she hated me. And that she never wanted to speak to me again.
It still hurts to say it, and relive it. Hate? All I could say was, "You hate me? Is that how you treat people? Thanks for letting me know how you truly feel." What else could I say? Hate? Hate. That's one word that you can't EVER take back.
I don't even HATE my son's biological father, although many feel that I should. I don't even HATE the man that stole my innocence. I did at one point in my life, but I don't anymore. But I even felt bad for hating him, and had to let go of that.
I've known her for the last seven years of my life, and have loved her nearly as long. Tell me, how could she just flip so quickly? How could she use the word "hate" with ME? I don't hate her. How could I ever hate her? I loved her from the purest place in my soul. I love her still. I will always love her. But I can't possibly bring myself to talk to her. Once you tell me that you hate me, there's nothing more to say.
I have loved HARD in my lifetime. I have loved TRUE and PURE in my lifetime. Never have I EVER loved someone SO much that I could turn around and hate them. That would mean that I never loved them at all.
I have no room in my life for those who hate me. I NEVER thought that she would be a part of that group. C'est la vie.
C'est MA vie...
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