I never imagined it would be THIS tough...

I'm not even sure where to begin. It's been a while since I've poured out my thoughts and feelings and at this very moment in time I'm filled with so much anxiety over the mere prospects of doing so. My Grandmother is gone.  (That sentence was so hard to type.) She passed away December 30th, 2013 at 6:24am. Lung cancer stole her from me and we only had 11 days between diagnosis and death to deal with our reality. She is the first person in my life who was close to me that has died and I have no clue how to deal with it. I'm not a pro at this whole mourning thing, nor do I want to become one. The only thing that I know is that I'm a jumbled emotional mess inside and I have to let it out. But truth be told, for the first time in my life, I'm literally afraid to let my feelings out. I think somewhere inside I feel that if I let it out that I'm going to lose her, even though she's already gone. Or maybe I feel that if I let it out and fall apart that I'll never pull myself back together. Or maybe it's a combination of both.

I will say that in my attempts to begin the healing process, I joined an online lung cancer support community. Nearly a month after my initial signup I was finally ready to post to the forums, only to find that I was not granted permissions to do so. I contacted a site admin to obtain permissions and have yet to hear back. So here I am, opening up to you. Whomever you may be who decides to read this. Please know that I have never felt more vulnerable than I do now, but writing, dancing and fitness are my greatest passions and are currently the things that I avoid the most. Something has got to give, so as much as I want to keep it all inside, I know that it's vital to my survival that I finally open the flood gates. But I have no clue where to begin.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel a sense of sadness and emptiness. I look in the mirror and my eyes are sad. I feel broken inside. I hate that she's gone. I hate that lung cancer took her away more than ten years after she quit smoking and that we had less than 2 weeks with her after her diagnosis. I am thankful that she didn't suffer long at all, but I hate how quickly everything happened. I hate that I can only hear her voice in my head.I remember her hands so clearly. And her laugh. I dream about her sometimes but she never says much, if anything at all. I wish that she would tell me something from the other side, but she doesn't. My mom says that there's nothing for her to say. That I know that she loves me. I'm not sure what it is I want her to say. Maybe, "I'm here and I'm okay. I miss you. I love you. I can see you all of the time." Is she here with me? Can she see me? Can she hear me? Is she in Heaven where she can't be in the house with us? Where do I go from here? What do I do now? I felt so safe when she was alive. Like I always had something to fall back on. Someone who always had my back and now she's gone. My mom is still here but I still feel somewhat alone. My grandmother and I were close. She was my Nana. (pronounced NAH-NAH) Now what? How can I find joy in dance and fitness when I have such a huge hole in my spirit, heart and soul? What's the point? What's the point of really loving someone. They either leave or die. Why love so openly if it's just going to end in heartache? I have such an intense wall/guard around my heart that I'm not even sure I want to lower. The world used to be such a sunshiney place but now there's such a darkness and emptiness that I can't even begin to describe or understand. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear. But I can't. I don't know what to do with myself, but I know that I have to do something. I have to do something. 

But what?

Sharing is Caring...

As some of you may or may not know, I work as an Herbalife® Independent Distributor and Wellness Coach. I have to say that I honestly love what I do. I have always been one to pay attention to what I eat, balance my meals, and be active. As I get older, live longer, and experience more of what life has in store for me, I pay attention. I have always been very in tune with my body. As a dancer, you have to be. My early years in ballet definitely play a large part in the development of that "self-connect". Now, I can't speak for anyone other than myself, and judge me if you want, but I am afraid to die. Just being honest. I want to live for as long as possible and I want to do so in a comfortable manner. I don't wanna be elderly and barely able to stand and carrying around oxygen tanks and completely dependent on someone else to take care of me. I want to continue to look younger than I am, and walk with an unpained gait. (Yes, unpained is a word that I just created...) I want to feel free.

After I gave birth to my son, Luc, who is now 21 months old, my body changed. Having a baby... growing a human within one's body changes that body. It depletes vitamin/mineral/nutrient stores, which is why we take prenatal vitamins. Things within the body literally move... and so do things without lol... As someone who has always been 100% in tune with her body, I found myself suddenly feeling lost. I felt like I was still me, but didn't know this body that I was in. I don't mean the stretch marks. I mean the difference in my hip joints and my back, and the way that I was suddenly able to hold onto weight from junk food where before that was never an issue. My body is changed. Not ruined, but definitely changed. For me, getting my "pre-baby body" back is just not an option.

With that being said, I find myself healthier than ever before and every day I become that much more in awe of this body that I carry around. I continue to balance my meals. I do drink more milk than I did before, which is great for my bones and teeth (important things that I'd like to keep strong). I pump iron now, because it helps to strengthen the bones and doctors highly recommend it for postmenopausal women (not that I'm going thru the change). I work out regularly (targeted workouts), and I spend 1.5 hrs doing flexibility training at least three times a week. I feel stronger than before, and more alive.

A LARGE part of this "fountain of youth" feeling that I have is due to the Herbalife® products. I may sound like an infomercial, but they really do work! I have never been the type of person to take pills and drink shakes, and protein drinks while working out (or even having regular workouts aside from dance), but this stuff REALLY REALLY works. I don't sleep much because it's just me and Luc so whenever he's up or needs something or something lol I'm the one that has to do it. I don't have another parent helping me to spoil him and expose him to everything that I possibly can to expand his horizons. Where getting between 3-4 hrs sleep each night would leave me in a zombie state, I am now able to perform better. I look better, I feel better, I have energy to do everything that he requires, and still make time for myself to be better. To exercise even more and get even better results. To (hopefully) make the Dean's List this semester.

I'm training to become a world-class pole artiste. I think that the art-form is absolutely beautiful and the physical demands are mind-blowing. In order to get better, I have to get stronger. In order to get stronger, I have to exercise more and more and fuel my body properly. In order to have the energy required to get through the workouts and help my body recover quickly, I consume Herbalife® products. I can spend 3 hrs on targeted workouts and another 1.5 on flexibility training and not be sore the next day. Where this was never possible for me before, I now breeze through it, and am able to move the next day. My muscles don't get worn down. Now don't get me wrong... when I move I feel a dull burn which reminds me that I worked out, but it's nowhere near anything to even complain about. I don't grimace when I move. However, when life gets in the way and I'm thrown off of my workout/training routine, that's when I get sore. I ache. I feel stiff. I have trouble sleeping. My overall mood suffers. I need to be able to move my body with ease. I need to be able to flow through this journey of life. I can NOT flow with a stiff ass body. It just doesn't work.

This is why I have fallen in love with Herbalife®. The products are made from naturally occurring "beneficial ingredients that have been developed using world-class scientific technology and research." Everyone in my home (my 21-month old son, my mother, my grandmother, and myself) uses some sort of Herbalife® product. And the house has become a much noisier and happy place to be since the products came through the front door. Why am I even telling you this? This is my blog, so I can. Lololol... But seriously, when I find something that I like, I share it because someone else might like it too. I looooooooooooove what Herbalife® has done for me, and the possibilities are endless. And for those of you who aren't so sure about this company, it's been around since 1980. It's reach extends to 88 countries right now at THIS very moment in time, and new markets are being reached every single day. (For more info on the Herbalife® company, head to herbalife.com.)

For anyone that may be curious about Herbalife® 

and how it can become a part of your life, 

please feel free to contact me. 

My lines of communication are open 24/7.

*Friend/Follow/Add*

• Email: MoniqueXtine@gmail.com
• My Herbalife Online Store (view products and information; create an account to shop): goherbalife.com/moniquextine
• Facebook: Facebook.com/MXHLWellCoach
• Twitter: Twitter.com/MXHLWellCoach
• Google+: https://plus.google.com/107614924766496167884/
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• Herbalife®/Pole Artistry Blog: sharemybestlife.blogspot.com/
• Wordpress: http://mxhlwellcoach.wordpress.com/

The F.E.A.R.

It's been quite some time since I've blogged. I just finished reading my last two entries. Powerful stuff. The thing that I find to be the most powerful is that I don't remember writing them. I don't plan when I'm going to blog. Something simply comes over my spirit and I surrender to it...

There are about one million different ideas/topics racing through my brain right now, but I think the one that I want to get into right now is FEAR. FEAR OF SUCCESS. FEAR OF FAILURE. FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN. FEAR OF THE KNOWN. FEAR OF THE FUTURE. FEAR.

"They" say that the first step toward changing something about you for the better is acknowledging the issue. What that being "said", I would like to acknowledge an issue of mine. I have a fear of success. I used to think that I had a fear of failure, but after opening up to my mother about it (years ago), she showed me the difference betwixt the two. Why do I have a fear of success? To boil it all down, there is a part of me that feels that I don't deserve to live the life of MY dreams, partly because not everyone else is able to do so. Sound ridiculous? It may. But it's my truth. It has been a pattern of mine that I go through periods where I seem to have it in check, but then something tremendous happens and it takes me a while to get back into a "healthy" mindset. I wonder if others experience this. It's frustrating, and even embarrassing, but I'm not too proud to admit that I'm not perfect. I don't want to be perfect. No one is perfect, although many would like to believe that they are. What I do want to be is the best ME that I can possibly be. 

Having a child and becoming a solo parent totally flipped my ENTIRE world and life upside down! I wonder why it has hit me so hard when so many other women seem to roll with the punches and just keep moving. I could spend an eternity comparing myself to other women and thereby making myself crazier than I already am, or even neurotic.

I am learning more about myself every day, and am falling in love with the woman and mother that I am turning out to be. I see myself becoming a better version of myself. But I must admit that it's not easy. It's an everyday battle to stay focused, stay afloat, continue progressing, stay positive, confident, and strong. Most times I just wanna curl up into a ball and disappear. I'm taking it a day at a time right now, because things have been a bit intense lately. Today is a good day. So far, but I'm less than two hours in. Yesterday was a good day. I pray that today is an even better day. It's now officially Monday, and I must admit that I absolutely LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Mondays :)

I share this because I hope that there is at least one other person out there that may be able to relate to me. If that should be the case, I hope that knowing that we're not alone somehow helps strengthen us that much more. 

**Be your best self**

Have I Imprinted On You?

I just woke up from dreaming of you. Your girl was elsewhere for the day, and finally we were spending time as friends. You picked me up and we went to your spot. By the time we got to your room, I was already being tormented. EVERYTHING within this being of mine wanted you. I longed to feel your lips upon mine in a way that I never had before. I needed to kiss you, however I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew that it would be wrong and selfish of me to simply take you the way that I found myself needing to. The "pull" was so intense that I ended up smoking a cigarette with you.

Before our 'ports were done, I knew that I had to tell you what I was feeling. And so I did. And you fell silent. But let me make myself clear... EVERYTHING in your energy said that you wanted the same, but that I would have to be the one to go for it. Finally, I just couldn't fight it any longer... I closed my eyes and kissed you ever so softly, slowly, and sweetly. Our lips touched and I melted. You felt like home. Part of me felt bad for your woman, but the majority of my spirit knew that I was doing the right thing.

I can't even begin to tell you just how PERFECT it felt. Everything was right with the world. Physically our lips were touching, yet in reality, our souls were the ones that were intertwined in love's embrace. Nothing else mattered. We were finally where we were supposed to be. We made the sweetest love, and were lost in a cloud of ecstasy.

I woke up feeling at peace, yet a little lost. Is this the universe trying to tell me something, or is it merely  my subconscious trying to sort out matters of the heart?

I'm still in love with you. There used to be a time when I would immediately alert you of this blog's existence and anxiously await your response. That time has passed.

I am learning to live with the fact that I was the last to know that you had decided to explore your other options. I told you that I will always love you, and I meant that. I just want you to be happy. If it's not with me, then so be it. There's nothing more that I can say.

Be blessed...

For this, I weep...

Up til now, I haven't allowed myself to shed tears about us. When I finally cry about a break-up, that's my first real step of accepting it as a reality, and moving past it. Just a few moments ago, I shed my first tears about us. About what we had. What I felt. What I planned for in the future. Everything that I wanted share with you. I'm so incredibly busy because I have a plan, and I'm putting that plan in motion. You have no idea of the life that I am building. That I wanted to share with you. God has been so good to me, and everything is falling into place for me. It just takes patience. So many wonderful things are in store for me. And I wanted you to be by my side through it all. This time next year, God willing, I will be in such a completely different place from right now.

I can't believe that I have to go it alone. I was fine before we got back together. I was comfortable with being single and solo and enjoying the ride. Then you asked me to let you in, and I did. And you were a permanent fixture in all of my dreams. The things that I have in store were not only going to change my life, but change yours as well. We already had the beautiful foundation of a fairytale love affair. We were going to share the fairytale lifestyle as well. Now I sit here crying quietly so that no one hears. The warm tears run down my face as I truly accept the fact that we are no more. That now we're not even friends. We are no longer a part of each other's lives. You are no longer my Wife. You hate me. I can't believe that my Princessa hates me. I remember the joy and just pure love in her eyes when she would look at me. I remember feeling so filled with love and joy just from seeing that look on her face. And to watch her smile and blush, and her eyes get small.... It simply made my heart melt. I loved how hearing her voice sent chills down my spine, and gave me butterflies. And how hearing her tell me that she loved me would make my soul shudder.

I love you from a place that I can't even begin to describe. I love you even beyond the end of time. I close my eyes and picture myself looking into your eyes as I recite my wedding vows. I love you so much, and you don't even see it. You can't even begin to understand. I'm not trying to romanticize my feelings. This is how much I sincerely love you. And you hate me...

You hate me...

We were going to have babies together. And raise them in a rainbow house of our own.
You are my Wife, and now you hate me. And now I have to go back to dreaming alone.
Call me a sucker if you like. I'm in love with a woman that hates me, and now I have to let time heal these wounds too.

I pray that one day...I thank God for all of my blessings, trial and tribulations. I thank God for this pain too. It lets me know that I'm alive, and more importantly, I am not incapable of love.

I loved you somethin true...

Still in shock...

It's been 12 days since we split... I hate how we left things. I've known you for the last seven years of my life. I can't believe you used the word "HATE" while talking to me. I can't believe you said that you HATE me. It doesn't matter now, but I feel utterly disrespected as a human being. I don't care how mad I would've EVER gotten; how upset you would've EVER made me... I NEVER EVER would've told you that i HATE you. because I don't hate you. I love you, and to a certain extent, I'm sure that I always will. But what is there to say at this point? Is there even anything to say at this point? I wish that you never would've said that. Because I want so badly to call you right now. But how could I possibly bring myself to call you? You are only the second person in my LIFE to ever say that they hate me. I still can't believe that YOU, of all people, said that to me. After everything. Everything, Sam.

How can you hate me, when the only thing that I feel for you is love? We were supposed to get married, and I was so excited to be planning the wedding. Hate? You were the first woman that I ever truly fell in love with. My only best-friend and lover all rolled into one. You actually said that you hate me. Why did you even bother telling me to trust you? I've never lied to you. Never been anything but open and honest, and understanding with you. It still feels surreal. Like it wasn't even you that said it. But I know it was. The woman that I was going to spend forever with, told me that she hates me. I just knew in my soul that that word would NEVER come from you in any sort of malicious manner when talking to me. You blew my mind. You set out to hurt me like never before. You succeeded.

When I told you that I love you like I've never loved anyone else, I meant that. And I still do. I can't believe that you hate me. My Wife hates me. And all I can say is that I love her. From the purest place in my soul, I love her.

You're the only woman to ever break my heart. To make my soul cry.

HATE. what an UGLY word...

Well, it appears that I am once again a member of the single's club. Before I got in this last relationship, I told her that I didn't have the time to dedicate to a relationship the way that I'd really like to. She promised that she could handle it. That she understood that I had a lot going on and that she just wanted to be mine and for me to be hers.

When push came to shove, it proved to be too much for her. It was the source of our arguments, and the end of it all. Apparently, she felt that I never wanted to see her. That she deserved to spend time with me as much as my family, and that I just didn't understand how much she loved me. Then she told me that she would find someone that would give her time and show how much they care. That I wasn't the only one out there. I said "God bless you." I meant it sincerely. She said it back, sarcastically, and then told me that she hated me. And that she never wanted to speak to me again.

It still hurts to say it, and relive it. Hate? All I could say was, "You hate me? Is that how you treat people? Thanks for letting me know how you truly feel." What else could I say? Hate? Hate. That's one word that you can't EVER take back.

I don't even HATE my son's biological father, although many feel that I should. I don't even HATE the man that stole my innocence. I did at one point in my life, but I don't anymore. But I even felt bad for hating him, and had to let go of that.

I've known her for the last seven years of my life, and have loved her nearly as long. Tell me, how could she just flip so quickly? How could she use the word "hate" with ME? I don't hate her. How could I ever hate her? I loved her from the purest place in my soul. I love her still. I will always love her. But I can't possibly bring myself to talk to her. Once you tell me that you hate me, there's nothing more to say.

I have loved HARD in my lifetime. I have loved TRUE and PURE in my lifetime. Never have I EVER loved someone SO much that I could turn around and hate them. That would mean that I never loved them at all.

I have no room in my life for those who hate me. I NEVER thought that she would be a part of that group. C'est la vie.

C'est MA vie...