Can't Sleep... Blogging for Peace??

Well it's 7:58am on a Saturday morning, and I had planned to still be sleeping. Unfortunately, that plan seems to be a no-go.

I was talking to my mom yesterday about my feelings and where I am emotionally and mentally. After the talk, I felt great, and we watched scary movies together until bedtime. Had I known that all of that talking would lead to a less than peaceful night of heartbreaking dreams, I still would have talked to her. But damn! I was not at all prepared for the dreams that I had. Marrying someone and going on a honeymoon, only to find myself without my husband. He was everywhere on the cruise ship EXCEPT with me. Of course it was more intense and in depth than this, but that's the overall premise of things. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's feeling lonely while being with someone, and ladies and gents, this dream took the cake. The next dream was a bit more painful only because it dealt with the same loneliness, followed by being accused of being unfaithful (completely untrue), followed by my finding evidence of his unfaithfulness. Only for that to be followed by my crying, and his continuing to do everything EXCEPT check on me.

Sad, lonely dreams, you may piss off.

Single, Yet Fulfilled in Love...

"They" say that it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I must say that I agree with them. Whoever "they" may be. A life without love is not one worth living, in my opinion. Yet holding onto something that isn't "real" love, or "healthy" love is just a waste of time and energy. It has taken me a long time to realize this truth.

If I can feel alone while not being romantically involved with anyone, why in the world should I feel alone AND be involved with someone? I think the latter brings about a deeper sense of loneliness.

There are different types of love in this world. Romantic love, that is experienced with a partner (or two, or ten), and what I'll call Familiar love, which is experienced with family and close friends. You can spend your entire life searching for Romantic love, and if you're lucky, only experience it once. The beauty of Familiar love is that you can experience it for a lifetime.

I must admit, that for a long time, I placed so much emphasis on finding Romantic love that I lost sight of the overwhelming abundance of Familiar love in my life. Once I hit rock bottom, and Romantic love turned it's back on me, at my most vulnerable moment to date, all I had left was the Familiar. And you know what? It's not so bad. As a matter of fact, it's a beautiful thing. And I'd rather have a life filled with SOME love than NO love at all.

Right here, right now, in this moment, I am 3 days shy of being 7 months pregnant with my first child. I live with my mother, in my hometown of Cincinnati, Ohio. I am single, yet fulfilled in love. I spend my days laughing, and smiling, and singing, and dancing, and dreaming. I am blessed to not work during my pregnancy, and to be honest, it's quite a strange feeling not having someone in one ear pressuring me to work a job that THEY approve of, or questioning me about my future plans, or paying any bills. It was very hard to make the transition, but I believe in my heart of hearts, that God deemed me worthy of a break. A physical, financial break. How blessed am I to be in such a safe place, filled with so much love, where my only cares are what I'm going to feed my growing baby, and what we're going to watch on tv to make us laugh. For the first time in a VERY long time, I am able to breathe. I mean, really sit back, and just take deep breath after deep breath. I am able to sit with my thoughts and try to make some sense of them all. How precious it is to be understood. Silently understood.

I thought it was the end of my world, to be a single mother. I was so wrong. It is the beginning of everything. I've always wanted children, and God above saw fit for me to carry one of my own. I thought that I couldn't have children. I thought that there was something wrong with me. With my body. That Arthur had robbed me of an experience that I dreamt about for as long as I can remember. I thought that being married and having a perfect love meant everything to me, and that I would never feel complete without it. God has shown me that knowing that my body works perfectly and normally is the most precious gift that I could ever have.

So, while at times it does sadden me to dwell on the fact that I am a single mother, it is not heartbreaking. You see, I've had love. I've had REAL love. Love that takes you places you can only dream about. Love that changes you for the better. Love that never leaves your soul. I had the love of a lifetime, and although we most probably will never be romantically involved ever again, I will love him for the rest of my life. Because he loved me. And every moment of every day that we were together, I knew it. And the ironic part is that most of our relationship was long distance. But he loved me better and truer than any other man or woman I've ever been with. He showed me that fairytale romances do exist, and that I am worthy of having one. He showed me that I deserve the best of the best, and I can never thank him enough for giving me that. Through him, I hold on to my hope of future romance. Through him, and God above, I know that dreams do come true.

So, do I sit here and try to hold onto something that is never going to make me truly happy, just to say that I'm involved with someone? Or do I immerse myself in my Baby blessing and spend every day being happy and loved and fulfilled?

Instead of making plans with a romantic partner, I am making plans with myself and my baby. I will live with my Mushka, my mother, and my grandmother until the time comes for me to buy my own house. This is my new dream. And it makes me happy. And it doesn't matter how anyone else feels about it. This is my life. I am entitled to my own happiness just like everyone else walking this planet. And if I must be single in order to be happy, then sign me up. But I know that love, romantic love, won't ignore me forever. But until the real thing comes along, I am so fulfilled in my Familiar love that I can't even COMPLETELY express it.

Thank You God, and thank you Noje-biter for giving me everything I could ever want in life. From the bottom of my soul, I thank you.

I dreamt of you...

Good morning.

Lately, you've been on my mind. A lot. Not completely in the romantic sense, but definitely in one way or another. You know I've never been able to beat around the bush, when it comes to you, so I'm not even going to start now. I dreamt of you last night. Actually, technically, it was moreso this morning. I don't remember all of it, but I'll tell you what I do remember. I remember that we were married. We had actually just gotten married. I was talking to a cousin of mine that I used to go to junior high with. I don't remember most of the convo, but I do remember saying, "I married the love of my life." I remember being so happy. So at peace. Feeling so complete. I was either still pregnant, or had recently given birth, but that didn't change a thing. Even after waking up, I still felt so relaxed. It's been a LONG time since I've felt that sort of calm come over me. Once I was completely awake, I was sad, because my dream was NOT my reality.

You said to me, not too long ago, "Some people focus too much on the past...". (I hear you, even when you think I don't.) It's not that I sit around focusing on the past. But you were the best love that I've ever had. If I could go back, I would stick it out. Not because of where you are in your life today, but because maybe I'd still have you in my life. As an integral part of my life. You set the bar, and you set it very high.

If I've learned one thing, I've definitely learned that you can't tell someone how to love you the way that you need to be loved. They either do it, or they don't. What do you do when the one person that loved you that PERFECT way will never love you again? People say that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and that is true, but they're not all meant for you.

With you, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that you loved me. You made it impossible to miss. I know that you're one of a kind, but does this mean that I'll never be loved so strongly again? Were you my only chance at a true "Happily Ever After"? I don't want to believe that, because if that's the case, then I blew it. For the rest of my life. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

I don't want to settle for love, just to say I'm not alone. Just to have someone to share my life with. But how can you TEACH someone to love you? I've never done that before, and when I had the best of the best, I didn't have to explain the way that my mind works, and more importantly, the way that my heart works.

If you set the bar, and took me places that my heart and soul had only dreamed of, how can I ever settle for anything less than that? Why should I have to? Do I have to, if I don't want to spend the rest of my days without a love to call my own? One doesn't forget the one that loved them THAT way. One never forgets just how high love can take you. It's like a drug. Once you've had a hit of something THAT powerful, you're forever changed.

You loved me in such a way that opened EVERY part of me, and made me LOVE myself entirely. Please just tell me that you're not the only person that can do that. I know you're the shit, but come on now. Where are all the other TRUE Princes?

We've both moved on since then, but part of me just wants to know that what we shared was as life-changing and sacred to you, as it was to me.

Did you really mean Anytime?