Single, Yet Fulfilled in Love...

"They" say that it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. I must say that I agree with them. Whoever "they" may be. A life without love is not one worth living, in my opinion. Yet holding onto something that isn't "real" love, or "healthy" love is just a waste of time and energy. It has taken me a long time to realize this truth.

If I can feel alone while not being romantically involved with anyone, why in the world should I feel alone AND be involved with someone? I think the latter brings about a deeper sense of loneliness.

There are different types of love in this world. Romantic love, that is experienced with a partner (or two, or ten), and what I'll call Familiar love, which is experienced with family and close friends. You can spend your entire life searching for Romantic love, and if you're lucky, only experience it once. The beauty of Familiar love is that you can experience it for a lifetime.

I must admit, that for a long time, I placed so much emphasis on finding Romantic love that I lost sight of the overwhelming abundance of Familiar love in my life. Once I hit rock bottom, and Romantic love turned it's back on me, at my most vulnerable moment to date, all I had left was the Familiar. And you know what? It's not so bad. As a matter of fact, it's a beautiful thing. And I'd rather have a life filled with SOME love than NO love at all.

Right here, right now, in this moment, I am 3 days shy of being 7 months pregnant with my first child. I live with my mother, in my hometown of Cincinnati, Ohio. I am single, yet fulfilled in love. I spend my days laughing, and smiling, and singing, and dancing, and dreaming. I am blessed to not work during my pregnancy, and to be honest, it's quite a strange feeling not having someone in one ear pressuring me to work a job that THEY approve of, or questioning me about my future plans, or paying any bills. It was very hard to make the transition, but I believe in my heart of hearts, that God deemed me worthy of a break. A physical, financial break. How blessed am I to be in such a safe place, filled with so much love, where my only cares are what I'm going to feed my growing baby, and what we're going to watch on tv to make us laugh. For the first time in a VERY long time, I am able to breathe. I mean, really sit back, and just take deep breath after deep breath. I am able to sit with my thoughts and try to make some sense of them all. How precious it is to be understood. Silently understood.

I thought it was the end of my world, to be a single mother. I was so wrong. It is the beginning of everything. I've always wanted children, and God above saw fit for me to carry one of my own. I thought that I couldn't have children. I thought that there was something wrong with me. With my body. That Arthur had robbed me of an experience that I dreamt about for as long as I can remember. I thought that being married and having a perfect love meant everything to me, and that I would never feel complete without it. God has shown me that knowing that my body works perfectly and normally is the most precious gift that I could ever have.

So, while at times it does sadden me to dwell on the fact that I am a single mother, it is not heartbreaking. You see, I've had love. I've had REAL love. Love that takes you places you can only dream about. Love that changes you for the better. Love that never leaves your soul. I had the love of a lifetime, and although we most probably will never be romantically involved ever again, I will love him for the rest of my life. Because he loved me. And every moment of every day that we were together, I knew it. And the ironic part is that most of our relationship was long distance. But he loved me better and truer than any other man or woman I've ever been with. He showed me that fairytale romances do exist, and that I am worthy of having one. He showed me that I deserve the best of the best, and I can never thank him enough for giving me that. Through him, I hold on to my hope of future romance. Through him, and God above, I know that dreams do come true.

So, do I sit here and try to hold onto something that is never going to make me truly happy, just to say that I'm involved with someone? Or do I immerse myself in my Baby blessing and spend every day being happy and loved and fulfilled?

Instead of making plans with a romantic partner, I am making plans with myself and my baby. I will live with my Mushka, my mother, and my grandmother until the time comes for me to buy my own house. This is my new dream. And it makes me happy. And it doesn't matter how anyone else feels about it. This is my life. I am entitled to my own happiness just like everyone else walking this planet. And if I must be single in order to be happy, then sign me up. But I know that love, romantic love, won't ignore me forever. But until the real thing comes along, I am so fulfilled in my Familiar love that I can't even COMPLETELY express it.

Thank You God, and thank you Noje-biter for giving me everything I could ever want in life. From the bottom of my soul, I thank you.