Have I Imprinted On You?

I just woke up from dreaming of you. Your girl was elsewhere for the day, and finally we were spending time as friends. You picked me up and we went to your spot. By the time we got to your room, I was already being tormented. EVERYTHING within this being of mine wanted you. I longed to feel your lips upon mine in a way that I never had before. I needed to kiss you, however I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew that it would be wrong and selfish of me to simply take you the way that I found myself needing to. The "pull" was so intense that I ended up smoking a cigarette with you.

Before our 'ports were done, I knew that I had to tell you what I was feeling. And so I did. And you fell silent. But let me make myself clear... EVERYTHING in your energy said that you wanted the same, but that I would have to be the one to go for it. Finally, I just couldn't fight it any longer... I closed my eyes and kissed you ever so softly, slowly, and sweetly. Our lips touched and I melted. You felt like home. Part of me felt bad for your woman, but the majority of my spirit knew that I was doing the right thing.

I can't even begin to tell you just how PERFECT it felt. Everything was right with the world. Physically our lips were touching, yet in reality, our souls were the ones that were intertwined in love's embrace. Nothing else mattered. We were finally where we were supposed to be. We made the sweetest love, and were lost in a cloud of ecstasy.

I woke up feeling at peace, yet a little lost. Is this the universe trying to tell me something, or is it merely  my subconscious trying to sort out matters of the heart?

I'm still in love with you. There used to be a time when I would immediately alert you of this blog's existence and anxiously await your response. That time has passed.

I am learning to live with the fact that I was the last to know that you had decided to explore your other options. I told you that I will always love you, and I meant that. I just want you to be happy. If it's not with me, then so be it. There's nothing more that I can say.

Be blessed...

For this, I weep...

Up til now, I haven't allowed myself to shed tears about us. When I finally cry about a break-up, that's my first real step of accepting it as a reality, and moving past it. Just a few moments ago, I shed my first tears about us. About what we had. What I felt. What I planned for in the future. Everything that I wanted share with you. I'm so incredibly busy because I have a plan, and I'm putting that plan in motion. You have no idea of the life that I am building. That I wanted to share with you. God has been so good to me, and everything is falling into place for me. It just takes patience. So many wonderful things are in store for me. And I wanted you to be by my side through it all. This time next year, God willing, I will be in such a completely different place from right now.

I can't believe that I have to go it alone. I was fine before we got back together. I was comfortable with being single and solo and enjoying the ride. Then you asked me to let you in, and I did. And you were a permanent fixture in all of my dreams. The things that I have in store were not only going to change my life, but change yours as well. We already had the beautiful foundation of a fairytale love affair. We were going to share the fairytale lifestyle as well. Now I sit here crying quietly so that no one hears. The warm tears run down my face as I truly accept the fact that we are no more. That now we're not even friends. We are no longer a part of each other's lives. You are no longer my Wife. You hate me. I can't believe that my Princessa hates me. I remember the joy and just pure love in her eyes when she would look at me. I remember feeling so filled with love and joy just from seeing that look on her face. And to watch her smile and blush, and her eyes get small.... It simply made my heart melt. I loved how hearing her voice sent chills down my spine, and gave me butterflies. And how hearing her tell me that she loved me would make my soul shudder.

I love you from a place that I can't even begin to describe. I love you even beyond the end of time. I close my eyes and picture myself looking into your eyes as I recite my wedding vows. I love you so much, and you don't even see it. You can't even begin to understand. I'm not trying to romanticize my feelings. This is how much I sincerely love you. And you hate me...

You hate me...

We were going to have babies together. And raise them in a rainbow house of our own.
You are my Wife, and now you hate me. And now I have to go back to dreaming alone.
Call me a sucker if you like. I'm in love with a woman that hates me, and now I have to let time heal these wounds too.

I pray that one day...I thank God for all of my blessings, trial and tribulations. I thank God for this pain too. It lets me know that I'm alive, and more importantly, I am not incapable of love.

I loved you somethin true...

Still in shock...

It's been 12 days since we split... I hate how we left things. I've known you for the last seven years of my life. I can't believe you used the word "HATE" while talking to me. I can't believe you said that you HATE me. It doesn't matter now, but I feel utterly disrespected as a human being. I don't care how mad I would've EVER gotten; how upset you would've EVER made me... I NEVER EVER would've told you that i HATE you. because I don't hate you. I love you, and to a certain extent, I'm sure that I always will. But what is there to say at this point? Is there even anything to say at this point? I wish that you never would've said that. Because I want so badly to call you right now. But how could I possibly bring myself to call you? You are only the second person in my LIFE to ever say that they hate me. I still can't believe that YOU, of all people, said that to me. After everything. Everything, Sam.

How can you hate me, when the only thing that I feel for you is love? We were supposed to get married, and I was so excited to be planning the wedding. Hate? You were the first woman that I ever truly fell in love with. My only best-friend and lover all rolled into one. You actually said that you hate me. Why did you even bother telling me to trust you? I've never lied to you. Never been anything but open and honest, and understanding with you. It still feels surreal. Like it wasn't even you that said it. But I know it was. The woman that I was going to spend forever with, told me that she hates me. I just knew in my soul that that word would NEVER come from you in any sort of malicious manner when talking to me. You blew my mind. You set out to hurt me like never before. You succeeded.

When I told you that I love you like I've never loved anyone else, I meant that. And I still do. I can't believe that you hate me. My Wife hates me. And all I can say is that I love her. From the purest place in my soul, I love her.

You're the only woman to ever break my heart. To make my soul cry.

HATE. what an UGLY word...

Well, it appears that I am once again a member of the single's club. Before I got in this last relationship, I told her that I didn't have the time to dedicate to a relationship the way that I'd really like to. She promised that she could handle it. That she understood that I had a lot going on and that she just wanted to be mine and for me to be hers.

When push came to shove, it proved to be too much for her. It was the source of our arguments, and the end of it all. Apparently, she felt that I never wanted to see her. That she deserved to spend time with me as much as my family, and that I just didn't understand how much she loved me. Then she told me that she would find someone that would give her time and show how much they care. That I wasn't the only one out there. I said "God bless you." I meant it sincerely. She said it back, sarcastically, and then told me that she hated me. And that she never wanted to speak to me again.

It still hurts to say it, and relive it. Hate? All I could say was, "You hate me? Is that how you treat people? Thanks for letting me know how you truly feel." What else could I say? Hate? Hate. That's one word that you can't EVER take back.

I don't even HATE my son's biological father, although many feel that I should. I don't even HATE the man that stole my innocence. I did at one point in my life, but I don't anymore. But I even felt bad for hating him, and had to let go of that.

I've known her for the last seven years of my life, and have loved her nearly as long. Tell me, how could she just flip so quickly? How could she use the word "hate" with ME? I don't hate her. How could I ever hate her? I loved her from the purest place in my soul. I love her still. I will always love her. But I can't possibly bring myself to talk to her. Once you tell me that you hate me, there's nothing more to say.

I have loved HARD in my lifetime. I have loved TRUE and PURE in my lifetime. Never have I EVER loved someone SO much that I could turn around and hate them. That would mean that I never loved them at all.

I have no room in my life for those who hate me. I NEVER thought that she would be a part of that group. C'est la vie.

C'est MA vie...

I cry in the dark...

I wish that I could REALLY talk to you. To tell you how I feel, and know that my emotions are safe with you. Instead, you minimize my feelings. You are supposed to make me feel loved and accepted at all times. Safe from the hurt of the world. Instead, I feel nothing when I'm around you. I am forced to swallow my feelings. I wish that I could just open up to you, and you listen, and you understand. You may not agree with how I feel, but you should at least allow me to feel the way that I feel. I know that you love me, and I know that if I needed anything, you would do everything in your power to help. But I also know that it serves me best not to share my feelings with you. Mom, you gave me life. I wish that I could share my less-than-happy moments with you as well. When I do, you make it seem as though I should just get over it. When you do that, I am reminded why I moved away when I was 18. Unfortunately, some things just don't ever change.

You have taught me something, though. You have taught me the importance of making your children feel emotionally safe. I will do everything in my power to make sure that Lucien never feels the loneliness that I feel in knowing that I can't cry on your shoulder. Sometimes you just have to be in your feelings in order to get past them, and there's nothing wrong with that. So, as much as it pains me, I will continue to cry alone in my room while you play with my son upstairs, over my head. I will deal with my emotions on my own, as I have all of these years. I just wish it were different. I wish that I could relate to other women that talk their problems out with their moms.

You are in no way, shape, or form a bad mother. You have provided me with so much throughout my life, and I could never begin to repay you. But mom, I wish that you had shared your feelings with me, and allowed me, whole-heartedly, to share mine with you.

I cry in the dark.

What the FUCK?!

I am so dumbfounded right now. I have known this woman for 6 years, and have loved her for most of them. Recently, we decided to get back together and pick up where we left off. But tonight, all the red flags came up... All the ones that tell you when you're basically repeating something that ended up badly... 

I don't think I'll ever understand how people can miss you so much that they get mad at you. They just seem to want to argue. Or they just wanna wallow in the sadness that comes along with missing someone. But I can't do that. I won't do that. I don't get it. I'm not good with people like that. I'm learning that I'll never be. And quite honestly, I'm okay with that fact. 

You see, the core of a person never changes. However, life experiences definitely tweak a person. The more shit you go through, the tougher you become, because as we all know, 'What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger'. I'm a much tougher woman than I was six years ago. And I need a tough person beside me. 

Why am I always the bad guy? Why am I always the asshole that doesn't care? Why am I wrong for not wanting to stay in a relationship when it's making me unhappy? God wants us all to be happy. I truly believe that, with ever fiber of my being. Why, then, do some people have it in their minds that we are supposed to stay in unhappy situations? 

I don't want to be unhappy. Truth be told, I don't have ANYTHING to be unhappy about. If my entire life, aside from a romantic relationship, is nothing but blessings, does that make me selfish for leaving the relationship when it's unhappy? I don't mean unhappy like a simple argument, cuz I can stick those out.. but when the whole vibe is just somber, am I supposed to stay and hold on, and hope that it gets better? Cuz in the past, that shit never really got better. Maybe for a day or two, but it always went back to being unhappy. If the definition of Insanity is "repeating the same action, but expecting different results," then why in the fuck am I the asshole, for not wanting to repeat shit?

We're all adults here. You know when a relationship loses it's joy. That's my cue to exit stage left. I have taken my cue. And I don't regret it, but I am kinda sad that it even went there. I "knew" that this one was different. Well, I knew that it used to be different. My gut told me to take things slowly, and that's what I was doing. Until I was faced with an informal ultimatum. So I went against my gut, and jumped into a relationship. I should've known better. The MOMENT that I went against my gut. This, too, was a learning experience. 

My grandmother always says, "Don't go through something, and learn nothing." Well Nana, I definitely learned. AGAIN. Monique, stop ignoring your gut.

I'm getting there...

She's Baaaaaaaaaack...

Hello lovelies...

It has been quite a while since I've blogged... I've been soooooooo busy!!!! I gave birth to my beautiful son, Lucien Christophe Evans, on Friday January 20th, 2012 at 1:05p. I will detail that in another post. Right now, I just want to say, "Hi!"

Hi. I now find myself a very proud 28 year old mother that is going back to school. I begin classes on Monday August 27th, 2012.

CHANGE OF PLAN

When I first began writing this, I was of the mind to keep things light and short. Then my son demanded my attention and I had to put it away until another quiet moment. I am now of a different mindset...

Earlier I watched Oprah's interview with Rihanna, and it got me thinking about HEALING. Emotional Healing. At this time a year ago, I found myself lost. Sounds funny, doesn't it? But I was lost. I was pregnant, single, and living back in the same hometown that I vowed never to move back to. I was hurt, embarrassed, confused, sad, lonely... You name it, I most probably felt it. You see, when I got pregnant, I had the understanding that this was something that we had been trying to accomplish for a while. We were planning to raise a family, get married, and live happily ever after. The whole shabang. Well, when I actually turned out to be pregnant, the story changed, and all of the sudden I found myself in Orlando alone, dumped by the same person that I believed to be my future husband, and now carrying this little life that didn't ask to be created, but deserved the very best in life. Survival mode kicked in and I flew the two of us back to my family where I knew that we would be safe. I felt so betrayed, and disappointed in myself. I wasn't disappointed because I was pregnant, because truth be told, I feared that I would never be able to have children due to the molestation of my childhood years. I was disappointed because I always promised myself that whoever I had children with, would be the person that I spent the rest of my life with. My babies would never have to deal with divorce or anything other than a happy home with two parents that were madly in love with each other. It's funny how things don't always turn out the way that you originally planned.

Throughout the pregnancy, the biological father of my unborn child showed his true colors, and in the end, I had to make a tough, but necessary, decision to remove him from my life, and prevent him from tainting my baby's life. It is still one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. 

By the grace of God, and love of my family, I made it through pregnancy and delivery with the most precious gift I could never begin to imagine. 

In one year's time, I feel almost as though I have lived three years. I have learned so much about life and so much more about myself. As I sit here and type this, I realize that I may not have everything that I want, but I have EVERYTHING that I need. Yes, I would dare call my life perfect. I have a beautiful home, I live with my mother, my grandmother, and my son... the three people that I know I can trust with my life, without a shadow of a doubt. I am enrolled in college. I have food to nourish my body, and I am blessed to be able to nourish my son through my body. Most of all, I wake up EVERY DAY surrounded by love and laughter... and happiness. I have such joy in my heart and my spirit. I wake every morning with a song in my head. I find myself dancing and singing and laughing. I have so much to be thankful for. 

I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl, anymore. I want to be happy and free. Free to just be me. Whoever that may be. In my past, I have let other people dictate how I view myself. I have allowed other people to make me question and doubt myself. But you know what? People only do what you let them. I no longer allow other people to steal my joy. It may sound selfish, but I don't allow others to bring me down. It's amazing how many people will try to put their "bad feelings" on others. When I'm in a shitty mood, I keep it to myself. More people should get like me... 

I could say that I hate Luc's father, but that would be a lie. I don't hate anyone. Not even the man that stole my innocence so many years ago. I will always care about Luc's bio father's well-being. After all, he is the father of my most amazing blessing. I'm not in love with him. That died a long time ago. But as a human being, I do love him, and I wish nothing but the best for him. I sincerely pray that he may find peace within himself, because he is in a downward spiral. I pray that he may learn to love himself. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone should know the feeling of being at peace with oneself. I don't ever want to see or speak to him again, as there is nothing to be said. But I do pray for him, and the rest of humanity. And I do forgive him. Not for his sake, but for my own. I've got to move on with my life, and I've got to close that chapter of my life, peacefully. The worst pain that I've ever endured brought me the sweetest joy that I will ever know, and for that, I am thankful. 

I am healing beautifully. And I am loving whole-heartedly. And I am seeing clearer than I've ever seen ANYTHING before. I thank God for all of my blessings, trials, and tribulations... For that which has made me stronger... Making me the woman that I am right now, at this very moment in time.

I am in love. With life. With my life. Which is perfect. For me.

**Live your best life, because I am trying to live mine...**