I cry in the dark...

I wish that I could REALLY talk to you. To tell you how I feel, and know that my emotions are safe with you. Instead, you minimize my feelings. You are supposed to make me feel loved and accepted at all times. Safe from the hurt of the world. Instead, I feel nothing when I'm around you. I am forced to swallow my feelings. I wish that I could just open up to you, and you listen, and you understand. You may not agree with how I feel, but you should at least allow me to feel the way that I feel. I know that you love me, and I know that if I needed anything, you would do everything in your power to help. But I also know that it serves me best not to share my feelings with you. Mom, you gave me life. I wish that I could share my less-than-happy moments with you as well. When I do, you make it seem as though I should just get over it. When you do that, I am reminded why I moved away when I was 18. Unfortunately, some things just don't ever change.

You have taught me something, though. You have taught me the importance of making your children feel emotionally safe. I will do everything in my power to make sure that Lucien never feels the loneliness that I feel in knowing that I can't cry on your shoulder. Sometimes you just have to be in your feelings in order to get past them, and there's nothing wrong with that. So, as much as it pains me, I will continue to cry alone in my room while you play with my son upstairs, over my head. I will deal with my emotions on my own, as I have all of these years. I just wish it were different. I wish that I could relate to other women that talk their problems out with their moms.

You are in no way, shape, or form a bad mother. You have provided me with so much throughout my life, and I could never begin to repay you. But mom, I wish that you had shared your feelings with me, and allowed me, whole-heartedly, to share mine with you.

I cry in the dark.