It has been quite a while since I've blogged... I've been soooooooo busy!!!! I gave birth to my beautiful son, Lucien Christophe Evans, on Friday January 20th, 2012 at 1:05p. I will detail that in another post. Right now, I just want to say, "Hi!"
Hi. I now find myself a very proud 28 year old mother that is going back to school. I begin classes on Monday August 27th, 2012.
CHANGE OF PLAN
When I first began writing this, I was of the mind to keep things light and short. Then my son demanded my attention and I had to put it away until another quiet moment. I am now of a different mindset...
Earlier I watched Oprah's interview with Rihanna, and it got me thinking about HEALING. Emotional Healing. At this time a year ago, I found myself lost. Sounds funny, doesn't it? But I was lost. I was pregnant, single, and living back in the same hometown that I vowed never to move back to. I was hurt, embarrassed, confused, sad, lonely... You name it, I most probably felt it. You see, when I got pregnant, I had the understanding that this was something that we had been trying to accomplish for a while. We were planning to raise a family, get married, and live happily ever after. The whole shabang. Well, when I actually turned out to be pregnant, the story changed, and all of the sudden I found myself in Orlando alone, dumped by the same person that I believed to be my future husband, and now carrying this little life that didn't ask to be created, but deserved the very best in life. Survival mode kicked in and I flew the two of us back to my family where I knew that we would be safe. I felt so betrayed, and disappointed in myself. I wasn't disappointed because I was pregnant, because truth be told, I feared that I would never be able to have children due to the molestation of my childhood years. I was disappointed because I always promised myself that whoever I had children with, would be the person that I spent the rest of my life with. My babies would never have to deal with divorce or anything other than a happy home with two parents that were madly in love with each other. It's funny how things don't always turn out the way that you originally planned.
Throughout the pregnancy, the biological father of my unborn child showed his true colors, and in the end, I had to make a tough, but necessary, decision to remove him from my life, and prevent him from tainting my baby's life. It is still one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.
By the grace of God, and love of my family, I made it through pregnancy and delivery with the most precious gift I could never begin to imagine.
In one year's time, I feel almost as though I have lived three years. I have learned so much about life and so much more about myself. As I sit here and type this, I realize that I may not have everything that I want, but I have EVERYTHING that I need. Yes, I would dare call my life perfect. I have a beautiful home, I live with my mother, my grandmother, and my son... the three people that I know I can trust with my life, without a shadow of a doubt. I am enrolled in college. I have food to nourish my body, and I am blessed to be able to nourish my son through my body. Most of all, I wake up EVERY DAY surrounded by love and laughter... and happiness. I have such joy in my heart and my spirit. I wake every morning with a song in my head. I find myself dancing and singing and laughing. I have so much to be thankful for.
I don't wanna play the broken-hearted girl, anymore. I want to be happy and free. Free to just be me. Whoever that may be. In my past, I have let other people dictate how I view myself. I have allowed other people to make me question and doubt myself. But you know what? People only do what you let them. I no longer allow other people to steal my joy. It may sound selfish, but I don't allow others to bring me down. It's amazing how many people will try to put their "bad feelings" on others. When I'm in a shitty mood, I keep it to myself. More people should get like me...
I could say that I hate Luc's father, but that would be a lie. I don't hate anyone. Not even the man that stole my innocence so many years ago. I will always care about Luc's bio father's well-being. After all, he is the father of my most amazing blessing. I'm not in love with him. That died a long time ago. But as a human being, I do love him, and I wish nothing but the best for him. I sincerely pray that he may find peace within himself, because he is in a downward spiral. I pray that he may learn to love himself. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone should know the feeling of being at peace with oneself. I don't ever want to see or speak to him again, as there is nothing to be said. But I do pray for him, and the rest of humanity. And I do forgive him. Not for his sake, but for my own. I've got to move on with my life, and I've got to close that chapter of my life, peacefully. The worst pain that I've ever endured brought me the sweetest joy that I will ever know, and for that, I am thankful.
I am healing beautifully. And I am loving whole-heartedly. And I am seeing clearer than I've ever seen ANYTHING before. I thank God for all of my blessings, trials, and tribulations... For that which has made me stronger... Making me the woman that I am right now, at this very moment in time.
I am in love. With life. With my life. Which is perfect. For me.
**Live your best life, because I am trying to live mine...**
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