What the FUCK?!

I am so dumbfounded right now. I have known this woman for 6 years, and have loved her for most of them. Recently, we decided to get back together and pick up where we left off. But tonight, all the red flags came up... All the ones that tell you when you're basically repeating something that ended up badly... 

I don't think I'll ever understand how people can miss you so much that they get mad at you. They just seem to want to argue. Or they just wanna wallow in the sadness that comes along with missing someone. But I can't do that. I won't do that. I don't get it. I'm not good with people like that. I'm learning that I'll never be. And quite honestly, I'm okay with that fact. 

You see, the core of a person never changes. However, life experiences definitely tweak a person. The more shit you go through, the tougher you become, because as we all know, 'What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger'. I'm a much tougher woman than I was six years ago. And I need a tough person beside me. 

Why am I always the bad guy? Why am I always the asshole that doesn't care? Why am I wrong for not wanting to stay in a relationship when it's making me unhappy? God wants us all to be happy. I truly believe that, with ever fiber of my being. Why, then, do some people have it in their minds that we are supposed to stay in unhappy situations? 

I don't want to be unhappy. Truth be told, I don't have ANYTHING to be unhappy about. If my entire life, aside from a romantic relationship, is nothing but blessings, does that make me selfish for leaving the relationship when it's unhappy? I don't mean unhappy like a simple argument, cuz I can stick those out.. but when the whole vibe is just somber, am I supposed to stay and hold on, and hope that it gets better? Cuz in the past, that shit never really got better. Maybe for a day or two, but it always went back to being unhappy. If the definition of Insanity is "repeating the same action, but expecting different results," then why in the fuck am I the asshole, for not wanting to repeat shit?

We're all adults here. You know when a relationship loses it's joy. That's my cue to exit stage left. I have taken my cue. And I don't regret it, but I am kinda sad that it even went there. I "knew" that this one was different. Well, I knew that it used to be different. My gut told me to take things slowly, and that's what I was doing. Until I was faced with an informal ultimatum. So I went against my gut, and jumped into a relationship. I should've known better. The MOMENT that I went against my gut. This, too, was a learning experience. 

My grandmother always says, "Don't go through something, and learn nothing." Well Nana, I definitely learned. AGAIN. Monique, stop ignoring your gut.

I'm getting there...